An Anonymous Story from a Pastor’s Wife

I wrote this last week to our church family – but of course, I’m not going to share it with them. I just found your website and thought I would send this along to you.

Dear Church of Little Faith:

My husband has faithfully served you for many, many years. It has been the best of times and the worst of times. We have been through rapid growth and rapid decline, building programs, staff changes, and hundreds of weddings, funerals, and potlucks!

We have raised our kids in this church and have intentionally shielded them from many of the difficult times. We want them to love the church as Christ’s body but now that they are adults we realize that they knew much more about the hurts and have all turned to very different churches or no church at all.

And now, it’s November and we just experienced “Pastor Appreciation Month.”  October has always felt like such a hard month for us. There is some kind of token word of appreciation but it does not translate to the rest of the year.

We have found out that because of budget shortfalls, we will again not receive a cost of living raise.  This has been the case for many years (I’m not revealing how many years without a raise in hopes that other churches will think I am writing about THEIR church). Why are we to “trust God for our finances” but the church is not willing to “trust God for the finances needed for ministry”?

We often feel like Moses wandering in the wilderness with a multitude of griping, gossiping, and grumbling from the congregation, but thankfully, no sand or desert! If the church is doing great it is “because the members are working so hard” and if the church is struggling it is “because the pastors are not doing enough.”

We are often tired, discouraged, and feel the weight of your unrealistic expectations, your gossiping assumptions, and other negativity.  BUT GOD: is faithful, true, loving, kind, encouraging, and did I mention, faithful? 

When we feel the triple D’s of doubt, discouragement, and despondency God is faithful to remind us of his Delight, Dedication, and Desires.  Another pastor recently asked my husband how often he has resigned in his mind, and it is often.  We have sincerely and fervently asked the Lord to move us if we are the problem in our church but we’re still here.  And we totally understand how so many pastors feel like they must resign and do anything else in a society that so undervalues their profession and dedication.

We have sincerely and fervently asked the Lord to move us if we are the problem in our church but we’re still here.  And we totally understand how so many pastors feel like they must resign and do anything else in a society that so undervalues their profession and dedication.

We are at an age that moving to a new career would be very difficult. Yet at the same time, we long to step out in faith into the unknown.  But honestly, it takes much more faith to stay with a church that likes to run the show and cannot easily trust their pastors than to move them from an inward-focused congregation to an outward-focused, generous, unselfish congregation.

So what’s the answer? I don’t know but HE does.

The statistics about pastors giving up are frightening but at the same time, I don’t think even our best friends who know much of what we have gone through have even an inkling of the pain we have experienced.

Thanks for letting me vent – a Pastor’s Wife for 30 Years. (Not an ex-pastor, but sometimes longing to be in that category)