Disqualified. I can’t tell you how many times this label has been thrown in my direction. Eventually, you become numb to the tags and voices … except for the ones in the corners of your own soul.
You have heard my story many times – no surprises – same story with different names and faces. I became a pastor in my mid-20s. Three stepping stone churches, three children, and three advanced degrees later, we parachuted into a city known for its emphasis on sin and started a church from scratch with an emphasis on the gospel of grace. Within 5 years, the church grew to over 800 people and I was sharing our story in both local and national venues.
And yet on our 5-year anniversary, I preached my last message as the founding pastor, walked off the stage, collapsed in the arms of a friend, and knew my life would never be the same because of my own sinful choices. My heart was far from God. I violated my marriage covenant. I dishonored the marriages of people who trusted me. I hurt people. I scarred my children. I let down more people than I will ever realize. And I assumed my life in ministry was over – rightfully so.
And so we moved on with life with no expectation of ever returning to ministry. Adulterer. Divorced. Remarried. Disqualified. I was d-o-n-e. And in many ways, I was glad to be out of the spotlight.
Almost everyone I knew in ministry world walked away from me – especially when I rejected a few initial efforts at restoration. Within a short window of time, friends stopped calling. Mentors stopped reaching out. Texts stopped coming. Emails stopped arriving.
I was just another statistic.
Enter Grace. What I did not anticipate was how aggressively Jesus would pursue me even when others stopped and even when I did not want to be pursued. The grace I preached so fervently suddenly became a reality to me. I guess you never know how much you need radical grace until it is all that you have.
For the next five years, God rebuilt my life outside of ministry world. He broke me down time and time again while restoring my soul. We wept. We repented. We hurt. We had no audience to impress – no reputation to uphold – no lie to hide. And God did his redemptive work.
I wish I could point to a 10-step process or restoration program that God used to heal my heart but that’s not how my story was written. I can tell you that God worked through different people to bring healing to my heart – some of them do not even know my name. He used family, friends, scripture, books, sermons, conversations, prayers, emails, songs, and a dozen other methods to heal my wounded soul.
And yet a return to ministry was not even in our framework. I secured a job that paid well. Our statistic-defying marriage was thriving. I was able to focus attention on healing my relationship with my three children. I was out of the limelight and relieved to be so. And of course, the dark whispers of my soul reminded me repeatedly I was disqualified from ministry because of my sin so I needed to just get on with life.
On occasion, people I love and respect would challenge my thinking and urge me to reconsider my decision. Regularly I was reminded God gifted me in a certain way for a particular reason and my sin did not remove that giftedness. I heard their words but I did not listen. I was content to live life outside of ministry.
It started as a casual conversation. A pastor friend had reached the end of his rope. His church was struggling. He was ready to throw in the towel and close the doors. He was burned out and ready to walk. As he and I talked through the weighty options, what he said next made me chuckle. He wanted to know if I would consider leading the church. “Absolutely not – I am done with ministry” was my canned reply. “You are my friend. Would you at least be willing to pray about it?” he retorted. “I guess?” was my obligatory riposte. And so God began His internal work.
Only one problem – we were determined to stay out of ministry. As God began to soften our hearts to the possibility, I constructed every possible roadblock. I met with the church leadership and walked them through the ugly, gory details of our sin. I divulged every reason why they should NOT consider us. I sought advice from people I was persuaded would inform me I was “disqualified” from re-entering ministry. To my chagrin, each one of them encouraged me to consider it.
I cautioned the church leaders I would have to continue to work my full-time job while I preached on Sundays and led from a distance. I reminded them people would talk. Church people can be harsh. Our story of brokenness would cause people to turn away from our church. We would lose people. We would have to start over and replant from scratch. In short, we did everything we could to stay out of ministry except respond to God with a blatant no.
So one year ago, I agreed to become the teaching pastor of our church. My wife is also on staff. It is not a place we planned to be. And yet God seems to use our story of brokenness and redemption to bring healing to other broken people in need of healing.
I know there are many who will read my story and label me disqualified. And truthfully, having earned a PhD in New Testament, I can build an equally strong argument whether my story does or does not technically disqualify me from ministry. I have heard and made every argument on both sides of the discussion.
But here is what only those who have lived through our life situation understand completely: no outside voices that label us disqualified speak as piercingly as our own internal struggles. My deepest battle is not whether those reading this story believe I am or am not qualified to be in ministry but in finding my identity in the gospel of grace and not in what others think or say about me. My biggest struggle is resting daily in who I am in Jesus and the labels He has granted me: redeemed, righteous, restored, whole, forgiven.
Recently my wife gave birth to a son. He is a testimony of God’s grace in every way. His life points to a God who heals, restores and redeems. And here is the gospel: he was not born into a broken home – he was born into a redeemed home. He is the product of a God who takes disqualified people and redeems them by His grace for His glory.
That’s the story of redemption. That’s my story.
Earl Middleton
Awesome. Both God’s grace and your story illustrating it. Simply awesome. Thank you for ultimately saying, “Yes.” To the invitation to minister again, and the prompting to share this post.
ExPastors.com
We love grace. Thanks for the encouragement. I know he appreciates it.
diarli
Thank you for sharing the story! It is a testimony of the depth of God’s love to us. I love the statement “how aggressively Jesus would pursue me even when others stopped”. I pray that God will use your story to heal others…
ExPastors.com
You’re welcome.
CWT
I sit and tears fill my eyes reading this. I have been living in pain and devastation to that deep, indescribable part of a man’s soul for 20 years. While I have had opportunities to do some preaching while a pastor was gone, and some Bible classes and Sunday School adult classes, I certainly feel and have been “disqualified” to be in pastoral ministry. The cause? Of an ALLEGATION of moral failure and the unwillingness of church leaders to even consider the allegations are false. The attitude has been “well, there must be some truth to it if the accusations are there.” While I don’t anticipate ever being in full-time ministry again, I rejoice that this man has found a loving community. Please pray that I might find the same and not have to re-live the accusations every time I am asked about my background.
Kyle Smith
It is not my goal to diminish God’s grace, or his forgiveness of your transgression, which is totally, and completely forgiven, with no shadow of a doubt! However, to make an argument from authority, saying that because you have a PhD, then you can make the argument that it is up in the air and that the bible is inconclusive about whether a pastor who fails to be above reproach and remain the husband of one wife, is actually disqualified, seems to be placing yourself above what the New Testament (and the entire bible for that matter) actually says regarding this matter. And actually there is an outside voice that is more piercing than your own: our Triune God, through his infallible word. He labels you disqualified. I don’t say any of this to hurt you, or disgrace you, however we tend to think that the people who fall need to be show all the grace, and given all the mercy. But, what about the people you pastor? What about the people who MUST trust you? what about the congregation that needs to be shown the same grace and the same mercy? What about the standards set forth in the Old, and New Testaments regarding the ministers of God? Your not disqualified from fellowship, but you are certainly, and most definitively disqualified from the office elder, or any office within the body of Christ. Obviously not from sharing the Gospel or telling others of our great God, and his forgiveness of your sins, but holding an office of elder within Christ’s church? No, that has become a stage for which you are no longer qualified to maintain. And it is a shame, that because another pastor was struggling, that he decided to throw to the wind, all of God’s standards for pastoral ministry. I know first hand the deadly and tragic affects of adultery, I have lived through it, and am still dealing with the tragic consequences so I promise, this isn’t coming from a place of ignorance or immaturity.