When it became time to do an evaluation of the church, not only was I failing in my relationships with the closest people near me, I was falling further away from the very mission of my call. That’s when my wife said the words that I never wish to hear again: “I don’t want to go to church.” And she meant it. So I quit.
2 Corinthians 12:9 sets me free from listening to the cries of my old ways. Jesus says to us, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
Don’t feel as if I have shamed you. Those of you who might be in the trenches of pastoring a church and trying to balance a family life, I would offer 5 simple principles as you proceed through the gates of your calling:
Talk. Talk. Talk! More than anything else going on between you and your spouse, there needs to be a line of open communication. You can do a lot without talking to one another but you can only accomplish the right things, the right ways, for the right reasons when you express an open heart within each other. Set up time for this. Make it non-negotiable to miss. Create a date night of talking about all things.
Give each other space. Perhaps a missing ingredient in your marriage is the ability to allow feelings of grief, suffering, and challenge without trying to fix them. Support each other with openness, a no mind-games attitude, and without shame or unrealistic expectations. Demanding, being critical, and having unreasonable expectations will only lead to misaligned trust.
Pray together (and alone in your closet). Praying together with your spouse sets an unprecedented call to worship. I have always encouraged couples to pray together –especially when it’s challenging and there is friction. It’s in these times on our knees, crying out before the Lord, causing us to be united with Christ that sets a tone for the rest of the adventure. Don’t neglect your own quiet times of devotion and prayer as well. God has things to share with you when it’s just you and Him.
Seek out accountability and counsel. In each one of my assignments from God I have purposely inserted 2-4 Godly people to guide me and prod me along the ways of discipleship, a closer walk with Christ –in order for my life to be the kind of vessel God can use. These people have speaking rights. They have the ability to say hard things. They are in the trenches with me. They will give their right arm for me. And they will take me out for pizza.
Take a sabbatical. There once was a pastor who needed a break. His friends encouraged him to take a sabbatical. He didn’t want to because he was afraid of the church falling apart without him. He was concerned about a lot of things. He told the leaders with the help of his friends that he needed a break to recalibrate with the Lord. The leaders embraced the notion and blessed him and his family. He returned refreshed, revitalized, and restored. Moral of the story: you might be a candidate for a sabbatical. Pray, seek wise counsel and pray again. Go for it!
I am an expastor. I am taking a break from the role of pastor to a congregation. I am learning about submission, forgiveness, and being faithful to those first on my list.
My story did end well. I did resign. The church received its next pastor. My wife and I are in a place of receiving healing and restoration. And I sense God leading in new directions and adventures.
What’s next for me? Taking my oldest son out for ice cream at our favorite place before he goes back to his college homework.
Pastor Steve Sewell has been presenting and teaching at conferences and churches for more than 20 years specializing in pastoral care and those who are suffering with loss, life transitions, and grief scenarios. Visit www.pastorstevesewell.com for more information or to schedule a care training event.
Walt
I am approaching my one year anniversary of having to learn what it feels like to follow Christ without being a Pastor. When I got serious about living for Jesus at 17 I never really wrestled with whether I was called or not. For me it was simple: “I am taking my faith seriously so it must mean that I need to be in full-time ministry. The problem was that while I wasn’t wrestling with a resistance to the call, I also had to point if reference for counting cost nor did I wrestle enough with the person I had become leading up to my conversion. I had developed a secret compartment in my heart long before I surrendered to Christ at 17. A secret compartment full of explicit images, conversations, shame, lust and pride. The expectation of all this magically going away was quickly evaporated as this dark struggle continued to knock on the door of my new heart…and many times I answered.
My talents in music and my gifts with people quickly opened doors that my spiritual maturity was not equipped to walk through and the ministry “career” began. My divided heart saw seasons of fruit and seasons of desperate dryness and loneliness. I added a wonderfully godly wife to the equation and soon after two beautiful little girls.
My lack of maturity mixed like oil and water in the arena of several unhealthy congregations and we found ourselves licking our wounds and floating around quite often. My wife wanted to throw in the towel many times but my lack of courage mixed with not having a clue what I would do caused me to talk her into “persevering”
Fast forward 10 years and 5 churches later I am walking into a board meeting and unknowingly being confronted with the outing of my ugly sexual sin. The board of this new church didnt know what to do with me and after 6 months of counseling and healing they fired me.
The hardest and best thing that could have happened. I have discovered that I don’t have to be a pastor (and probably never should have been) to follow Christ and have value. I have put many of my gifts on hold for a season of learning and growing into how to do ministry in the business world. My wife has peace, I have purpose that is not just based upon my talent. And, I am building maturity muscle in ways that I was never challenged to in the church. Thank you for the posts on this blog.