It is an honor and blessing to be able to provide for your family while doing something you feel called to do, though it doesn’t come without its challenges and heartaches. Even in seasons that were hard and uncertain, my wife and I were able to move forward in confidence because we were both on the same page–that this is where we were suppose to be. Some of the hardest decisions we have had to make in our lives together was discerning a move. A move away from a ministry and church we loved, to move towards something unknown. One of the defining factors of why I have been “successful” in ministry, is because my wife and I have made the big decisions together, and every major change or difficult time we have gone through, we have done so moving forward unified. Hear me here, not certain on every detail or without struggle, but unified. Ministry has not been a cake walk for us and we have had our share of difficult seasons and trials.
In one season, in particular, we both felt that God was calling us to something new. We felt this calling separately and when we came together to share with each other, we were encouraged that we both were on the same page. There was one problem, we didn’t yet know what that “something new” would be. You see, we had a pull on our lives, but to the what wasn’t yet clear.
At the time, a friend of ours had been asking us to plant a church in Montreal, Canada–which had been classified as being in the top ten places of the most unreached peoples in the Americas. Quebec had always been on our hearts. Even when we were a young couple, still dating, Quebec had been an area that both our hearts yearned for. Also, being French Canadian myself, it held a special place for me.
On paper it seemed as though it was perfect and this was the most obvious option. God must be calling us to Montreal. There was nothing else on our horizon, I could speak the language fluently, there was a great need, we felt God was calling us to somewhere new, and Quebec was a place we had prayed for for years. There were no major signs saying no and it seemed like God was telling us to move forward. In our excitement of the idea, we explored this option further. But the closer we got to making plans, my wife became more and more unsettled about it. What had seemed like a perfect fit, became something we were divided on.
I was still excited at the possibility, and the idea of planting a church, building teams and reaching people was exciting. Now, don’t get me wrong, my wife was excited for those things too, but in the past, anytime we moved towards something hard and uncertain, it was because we both felt that we were meant to go, so we were able to do so with confidence, despite any fears or uncertainty.
As for Montreal, maybe we were meant to go, but we would always be divided about it. My wife would have gone under compulsion and if anything went wrong, what effect would that have on our relationship?
The call God has placed on us to our spouses and families trumps any call we have to ministry (1 Tim 3:4-5). Don’t sacrifice your family on the alter of ministry. Even if you feel convinced that you should go and your family is not behind you, don’t go. Wait, rethink, correct course, give time or possibly let go. If you and your spouse are not unified and on the same page then don’t go.
Through the process of us exploring Montreal, our church planting coach spoke some wise words over us. We were sitting in our living room, talking about this possibility and praying together and he made this statement: If you are not both called, neither of you are called.
Long story short, we didn’t end up in Montreal, and I had to wrestle with the fact that I had to let go of a dream. But let me tell you something, in the end, looking back, I knew it wasn’t the right move and where God was planning to take us. Where we ended up is exactly where we needed to be and where God was calling us. I think God was opening other doors and was testing us in our listening skills. It was easy for me to see something that looked exciting and automatically think, “this is what God must mean,” but He was revealing himself through the uneasiness of my wife and forced us to take a step back and reevaluate.
If you are both not on the same page, it should cause you to pause and re-engage the process of seeking His will. Let me say it again, even if your spouse is allowing fear to get in the way of what God is trying to do, you need to stop, wait, pray and re-engage. Maybe He is calling you to do what is in front of you, but you are not ready as a family and it isn’t for right now, and ultimately, your first calling is to them.
You know, we still might end up planting a church in Montreal. Maybe that call we felt in the beginning to go was genuine, but that was step number 5, and God wants to bring us through step 1, 2, 3 and 4. But, one thing I know for sure, is to never ignore your spouse’s intuition and ultimately, if both of you don’t feel the call, then don’t go.
Tanya Fleenor
Thanks for this.
Drake Farmer
You are very welcome.
Can I ask: What did you find most helpful?
Marcus A. Cylar
As one who walked away from pastoral ministry over year ago. I can’t begin to tell you just how much this article resonates with me. I’ll save the gorey details, but long story short, I knew that after five years of pastoring in my denomination, it was very clear my values were not aligned with those of the denomination. And in no way were my values more misaligned with theirs than with respect to my first ministry to my family. I was taken to task several times, even by my Bishop, during my tumultuous fifth year of pastoring because of how seriously I took my role as husband and father and how unwilling I was to sacrifice my relationship with my wife and young children for the demands of ministry.
In fact, I was even told in a meeting one day, “You might have family things to come up, but you have to learn to put those things aside and do what you have to do.” I fundamentally reject that notion, and it’s one of the biggest reasons I stepped down from pastoral ministry.
I take what the word of God says very seriously regarding my first ministry. I therefore discuss anything I do in ministry with my wife, no matter what. I’ve taken heat professionally for such deference over the years, but I’d do it all over in a heartbeat. So, to see this post is a tremendous blessing to me. Thank you.
Drake Farmer
Wow. Thank you Marcus for being willing to share that and be willing to share your heart and bare your life like that.
Marcus A. Cylar
Thanks, Drake. I’ve dedicated the rest of my life and ministry to reaching out and helping other pastors who’ve experienced the disappointment I have to rebuild their lives and ministries and continue on the journey God has called them to. I am therefore always willing to share. Thanks again for a fine article.
Drake Farmer
Have you ever thought to write for something like expastors?
Marcus A. Cylar
Yes, Drake, I’d like to. I actually just finished my DMin last month, so I have a bit more time on my hands now to get back to my own personal blog and prayerfully to some guest blogging, as the opportunity arises.
Drake Farmer
Well, congrats on tat accomplishment Marcus. Yes, schooling can take up a lot of time. What did you major in?
Also, as I am not an administrator I can’t speak on behalf of expastors.com, but I know they have a section where you can submit stories and blogs and they are always looking for good stories and blogs, with no guarantee of course. 😉 But with your story and current ministry, I am sure you would have some good stuff.
Here is the link: https://expastors.comshare/
Marcus A. Cylar
Thanks, I will get on that. The focus of my research was on the role of social media in building community and spiritual formation, with an emphasis on pastors who’ve experienced burnout in their ministries.
Drake Farmer
Wow. I would love to read your research on that.
Marcus A. Cylar
Cool, I will email you about that.
Drake Farmer
Awesome! Sounds good. 🙂
Timothy McBride
A year ago my wife and I were discussing our next step, and I became excited about the prospect of moving to a small church in Thorsby. My wife was very apprehensive. I pushed to hard and it strained our marriage. I repented of that to her and we moved on looking at other opportunities. A few came and went, and in what can only be perfect timing, my wife became settled about Thorsby. Now we are living in Leduc, ministering in Thorsby, and my wife tells me this is the most satisfied she has been in a church. In our case we wound up where I initially felt pulled, but God brought me through a journey of listening to and respecting my wife’s input before we got there.
Drake Farmer
Thanks for sharing Tim. Always good to hear from you and always good to hear how God works in the midst of peoples lives. 🙂
Marcus A. Cylar
Tim, every pastor should read what you said. I’ve seen too many colleagues lose their families because of not doing what you did. Charity begins at home.
Sonya James
Thank God that you listened to what God was saying. I believe that if we honor our marriage and submit ourselves to God; He will lead us accordingly. God wants to bring glory and honor to Himself so why would He do anything that ruins the family. I love the mind of God. He knows when, how and where we are supposed to be. With all things submit matter to Him and He will give the right answer when it is time.