Learning How To Let Go (A Letter of Apology)

Something Was Wrong

I confess I did feel pangs that something was not right. But I stuck to the plan anyway.

You see, I loved the points I gave myself for following rules and if you follow me, you can be a good rule-keeper too. Then we can love, at a later date, with conditions. Fit into my agenda and I will cherish you: this is fellowship. Hinder my agenda, and I will love you by graciously tolerating your presence and ignoring your distracting needs.

How many irritations were divine appointments? I regret to ponder this loss.

If you showed up for something I was leading, I felt loved. If you didn’t show up when I was leading, I felt slighted. I kept track of absences. I kept record of wrongs. This was so unloving and I am very sorry for the favor and shame I gave according to performance.

One time my dear friend ditched our worship time to go out to lunch with her husband. Their lives were chaotic and they needed to jump at the opportunity. But I was hurt. Later I confronted my friend as this was immeasurably important to me. How could she treat this time like an extracurricular activity and not a sacred duty? She wept under my judgment, and said, “I don’t want to be judged,” but “maybe I deserve it.” I exploited our trust that day. What had been a delight became a burden and she had to lay it down and walk away because I could not freely give and freely receive.

I complained about attendance and lack of support to my fellow faithfuls. I said the things that others only murmured in staff meetings.

Everyone knows that if you stop coming to the meetings someone will think you’re backslidden.

Everyone knows that if you don’t want the traveling ambassador from God to lay hands on you, you might be hard-hearted and rebellious.

Everyone knows value and promotion are given to those who lay down their lives for the program and never question authority.

Everyone knows criticism is ungodly and leaders have God and other leaders for correction.

Everyone knows an underling’s place is to serve with devotion and support the ambitions of the leader.

Everyone knows you’re supposed to bring concern to the leader’s attention in private, so no one else has the opportunity to say, “I was thinking the same thing.”

And everyone knows you’re never supposed to embarrass a leader with a tough question or ask them to restrain themselves.

So, I am sorry for always trying to earn trust from those with leader titles. I am sorry for trying to work the system. I am sorry for fearing my leaders more than fearing God. I am sorry for making those “under” me feel the need to also be cautious.

Please don’t dismiss this and say I am too humble or that I am being too hard on myself or too hard on ministry in general. It’s quite a mistake to soothe conviction by minimizing sin. If any of this applies to you, please accept my humble repentance.

May God grant his people grace to let go of everything that hinders love.