If there was one nugget of advice I could give to each young pastor before entering the pastorate, it would have nothing to do with church culture, music or preaching style, marketing advice or how to lead volunteers. It wouldn’t even be some whimsical, miraculous story that’d carry them through the many sleepless nights, challenging situations or difficult conversations. Nor would it be a book recommendation that’d rock these young pastors to their core. It’d simply be this: a little bit of selfishness goes a long way.
That’s right. Be selfish, in a liberal form. That’s what I’d say. And it’s something I wish I‘d learned early on in my ministry career. Looking back, I cringe at some of the things I did.
Not so much the mistakes I made, but rather how I carelessly handled my time, the time that should’ve been dedicated to my wife, my kids, my hobbies and passions. I allowed others to convince me that the more I worked, the more God was pleased – as of which, I’ve yet to find any scriptural support for such a statement.
I wasted time on relationships with other individuals within the church, most of which cared less about the needs of my family and more about their personal agendas. They drained me. Even connecting with some of these individuals on social media, years later, is far more a burden than blessing.
It’s a structural issue. Again, I’ve made my share of mistakes and, no doubt, my structure could’ve been more defined. But wolves, err, certain individuals stop at nothing to eliminate that structure, seeking all they can devour. So, the execution of structured down time, as ironic as that sounds, is most vital to your pastoral career.
Silence those voices. Structure your time. It’s perfectly okay to be selfish concerning your time with your family. Yes, be diligent when at work. Do as the writer of Colossians suggests and work whole-heartedly as for the Lord and not for men (Colossians 3:23). Pray hard. Be honest. Do good work. But then go home, forget about your job as a pastor, and care not what others might say. There is a good chance they’ll say something. And yes, in some circumstances, you could even lose your job.
But what is more valuable? Paul sprinkles many of his letters with ways to treat your spouse. Love your wife as Christ loved the Church (Ephesians 5:25). Honor your wife (1 Peter 3:7). But this is not an instruction manual on how to love your spouse according to the Bible. And I’m no counselor. This is advice on silencing the voices, the many voices you’ll encounter during your career as a pastor, some of which are much louder than your own voice.
Be selfish. Silence the voices. (Can you hear my repetitive voice?) Or there’s good chance you’ll end up like my friend, Timothy, who posted a comment on Expastors.com many months ago: “My wife was mad that I was working too much so she kept track of my hours. They were between 60 and 90 hours per week. Right in the middle of that record keeping, one of the leaders of the church had me into his office because he had heard I was considering limiting my hours to be with my family. He was quite upset that his offerings were going to a man who really didn’t want to do his job and that I should really reconsider my work ethic. I was only 25 and to my shame, I believed him.”
This is all too common. Work hard. Stay late. Any young person entering the workforce, and especially young pastors entering ministry for the first time, might hear these words. Do the thing no one else wants to do. Sacrifice your time because in due season you’ll reap the promotion, the job, the income, the position you desire.
All these things are good things. The problem, I believe, is when the lines are blurred; the lines between offering up your life as a sacrifice to God and having others sacrifice you on their personal altars. Can’t you hear the wolves beating their heels against the ground?
Am I too harsh? No because this is reality. Jesus devoted his entire life to furthering the message of God the Father. He sacrificed it all, more than we ever could, and yet he never gave in to the pious religious aristocracy that wished to devour him, his time, distracting him from his followers, his family. He gave his life for the joy set before Him (Hebrews 12:2); a sacrifice, yes, yet not void of selfishness. He death was for gain, to bring glory to His name and to restore the damage our sin had caused (John 12:27-28).
Jesus silenced the voices. He spent time with his family. He was selfish. He still is. He desires all peoples to come to him. He desires their time.
So, young pastor, be structured. Be selfish. Be more like Jesus.
Doug Drage
Hmmm…not sure…I mean it’s a great stinger ” be selfish, be like Jesus” and certainly is attention grabbing and seems terribly provocative, but it sounds more like what you’re talking about is balance. That’s great, we could all learn a lot about balance.
I think you are absolutely correct in much of what you are saying. Like any discipline, we do better drawing the lines and setting the standards BEFORE the conflicts arise. The thing is, whether we are spending that time on the “job” or on our family – it’s not self time. Despite what anyone may allege – I firmly believe selfishness is the root of all sin, in fact I’d go so far as to say selfishness is a key to delineating sin and worship…but that’s whole other diatribe.
Down time is good, the very basis for the sabbath is REST. However, the Word says don’t grow weary in well doing, it says we are servants bought with a price, and if those things are true and ministry (so-called) is not just another job, it is a calling of service to the Kingdom of God – if that IS NOT my passion, I’d better be asking myself if I am genuinely called to it. If I am a blood purchased and God called servant – I’d better get over the idea of having “rights”.
We cannot earn it or deserve the calling, we are as humans unworthy and yet God is his mercy chooses to use us. believing otherwise seems tantamount to the idea of earning salvation by good works – and those who believe that…well… may have missed some key information along the way. More than likely we believe we can earn approval, security, respect, love, acceptance, etc.
Neglect is neglect – family, friends, flock etc…as a “pastor” I have been neglected in my time of need, and have been as neglecting almost everyone at some point – you simply cannot be everywhere all the time, but you can BE PRESENT wherever you are at THE time. Balance is a good thing, a very good thing, despite those who might try to align it with compromise, which it most certainly is not.
Mark 3:32 A crowd was sitting around him, and they told him, “Your mother and brothers are outside looking for you.” 33 “Who are my mother and my brothers?” he asked. 34 Then he looked at those seated in a circle around him and said, “Here are my mother and my brothers! 35 Whoever does God’s will is my brother and sister and mother.”
Luke 14:26 “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple.
27 And anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
Those are some things Jesus said too…
Thanks for an intriguing brain break for this afternoon.
Robin Jester Wootton
Being WISE is not the same as being SELFISH. And Jesus was NOT doing it to give himself glory. The glory belonged to the FATHER-GOD, a distinction that is baffling and weird, but must be made. Then it becomes clearer how Jesus operated, at great cost to himself, for His Father’s pleasure. As a pastor’s wife and on staff at a church, I absolutely agree with the rest of the sentiment of this post.
Bo Lane
Robin, thanks for your comment. Although I took liberties with the word “selfish,” I do not believe it detracted from the purpose of the message.
Robin Jester Wootton
Like I said, I agree with your message and it’s a great reminder for pastors.
Troy McLaughlin
Great post Bo. This message needs to be championed from the pulpit, but also the pews. Our first responsibility in life is to God and that’s not ministry. Our second is to our families. Our ministry, lay or vocational lies somewhere after those first two. Bless you bro. Let’s connect soon.
Drake Farmer
Def a great reminder and some lessons I had to learn the hard way myself as a pastor. If not brought into check, these can def become killers for ministry. Keep up the good work guys, always a pleasure reading these posts. 😉
mike077
Jesus did not let the expectations of others for His ministry drive Him. He set His agenda and kept to it. Mark 1:36–38: “Simon and his companions searched for Him; they found Him, and said to Him, ‘Everyone is looking for You.’ He said to them, ‘Let us go somewhere else to the towns nearby, so that I may preach there also; for that is what I came for.'”
Jessica Roberts
Horrible advice.
rudy
Fantastic Advice. I am glad you wrote this.
-ExPastor
KarlN
What about for young and single pastors? They’re easily manipulated since they don’t have family to use as an “excuse”…