2 Tough Questions Every Pastor Should Ask Themselves About Their Spouse

My wife, Beverley, was a pastor’s wife for more than 30 years. During those three decades, she exhibited myriad emotions as she went about her role as a wife, mother, and involved laywoman.

In the early years of our ministry, we served a church that was unschooled in its treatment of the pastor and his family. A lot of unrealistic expectations were placed on Bev. Plus, congregants often made references or comparisons to former pastors and their families, and they commented on everything — from how she dressed to her attendance at church functions. We were pretty young and inexperienced at that time, so we just accepted the situation as part of the “pastoral territory.” But, as we matured in the ministry and assumed responsibility with larger congregations, we learned this kind of thing would take its toll on us if we didn’t set some parameters.

I realize that not all clergy spouses struggle with the challenge of sharing their mate and family with a congregation, but I haven’t met many who have not had their moments.

This is what I commonly hear from many spouses: “Our family needs more balance. It seems we are owned by the church.” “Sometimes, when I see how my husband is treated by the church leaders, I wonder if it’s all worth it.” “I’m concerned about my husband’s health. He does not sleep well, eat well, or find time for himself”

When spouses talk about themselves, often it is in the area of their own identity or relationship. ‘‘I’m not sure who I can trust.” “So many of the expectations for me are unrealistic.” “If we didn’t work here, I’m not sure we would even attend this church.” “Sundays are my roughest day of the week.” “I feel a heaviness in my heart that I can’t describe.”

Well, you know the rest. As couples in ministry, you must keep talking and keep observing the one you love. Don’t be afraid to ask how the other is doing, and take time to be together. Ministry should be a joy — full of love and respect for one another.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.” (Psalm 94:19)

Unfortunately and unfairly, the impression your spouse makes on the congregation can greatly impact your effectiveness. That’s a lot of pressure. So, I ask you two questions:

1. What do you do as a pastor to take the pressure off your spouse?
2. How have you encouraged your spouse to find an emotional outlet beyond the church?

Forty percent of the calls we received on our Pastoral Care Line while I was serving at Focus on the Family came from spouses. Many of those calls reflected anger, frustration, concern, and despair.

Pastor, have you taken time lately to thank your partner in ministry for his or her support? Have you attempted to help them find fulfillment by using their best gifts rather than simply handling chores pressed upon them by others?

There is a great deal of pain and stress in the lives of many spouses. We must take the initiative and show genuine care and concern. Where would we be without them?

“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” (Genesis 2:18)

This is an excerpt from Your Family, a post originally on HBLondon.org. It was reposted with permission from the author.